I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
i wish we could shoplift online
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.