This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
greetings!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
they finally got him. they got macavity
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her