It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
New comic up. “Ransom”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.