in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
is the plural of judas judasses or judi