[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
*launders Kohls cash*
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.