My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
two people or more is called a problem
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*