The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
c’mon!
getting corrected
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?