Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire