Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
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shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
an octopus is just a wet spider
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I only treason on days ending in y
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.