[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
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Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend