Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that