So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money