[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
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[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
She was rare, like a goth jogging
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!