My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Dead sexy!!
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that