[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
You Might Also Like
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
This is true.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.