[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
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And that about sums it up.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards