ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.