Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
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Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil