the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend