Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”