BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*jazz hands*
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’