I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Jupiter
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.