Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I bet
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.