Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Aight bet
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”