Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?