Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace