eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus