If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
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When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!