Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?