DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
hmmm
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver