Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
You Might Also Like
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.