I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!