Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
classic mixup
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!