I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Cashiers are always checking me out
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.