*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I put the p in pants.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.