If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.