I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.