Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
You Might Also Like
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor