A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
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Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My brain is a bad influence on me
Only short people can save us
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.