Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.