Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Children of the corn 🌽
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.