Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter