I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
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I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi