Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
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Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.