[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
this is the best interaction on twitter
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
my nickname in college
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Bed should get ready for ME
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am