*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Lmfaoooooo
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Saw your ex at the shops
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.