A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
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Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me too door. Me too.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
listen closely
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.