Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My neck, my back, my…
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine