Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?