8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
And bowling should be called pinball
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?